My Commandments

1) Thou shalt not eat a bologna and tomato sandwich in the car while wearing a winter white shirt. (Thou shalt also always wear a camisole under said winter white shirts if they have a tendency to be see-through).


2) Thou shalt never, EVER, forget thy umbrella on a rainy, humid, southern afternoon. (Especially when thou hast a hair type of “wavy”, aka ‘one-drop-of-persipitation-turns-your-sleek-curls-into-a-sight-impairing-nest-of-frizz’.) If thou dost forget thy umbrella, thou should then call in sick for the rest of the day.


3) Thou shalt not permit thy offspring to pee in the grass. It gives them the thumbs up that it’s perfectly acceptable to pee on any grass. Like the grass around your neighbor’s mailbox. Or the grass by the swings at the park. Or the grass in front of McDonald’s.


4) Thou shalt not go clothes shopping after eating at a buffet. (Thou shalt also not consider squeezing into a pair of jeans while lying on the floor of the dressing rooms, holding your breath, and asking thy two-year-old to stand on thy tummy. This is not considered “a good fit”.)


5) Thou shalt not allow thy child to sleep in the ‘grown up’ bed, as he will never leave.


6) Thou shalt not laugh at thy husband when he puts his underwear on his head and dances in front of thy child. Like peeing in the grass, this condones ‘underwear head’ as being acceptable conduct. Thy child WILL take the extra underwear thou keepest in his backpack and put it on his head in public places.


7) Thou shalt not count two jumping jacks as ‘working out’. This will NOT cancel out the three Oreos thou hast just consumed, although it may irrationally make thou feel better. Now THREE jumping jacks on the other hand….


8) Thou shalt not attempt to drive on the Interstate in 2nd gear. Yes, there IS a difference. Thy car engine is NOT supposed to sound that way.


9) Thou shalt not allow thy Baby Daddy to feed thy child Kettle Corn, Pringles, and a grape Popsicle and call this “lunch”.


10) Thou shalt not procrastinate. Unfortunately, thy plates will not scrape the day-old corndog and congealed ketchup from themselves, thy husband’s dirty socks will not march to the washing machine, and thy gerbils will not clean up their own poop.