Honey, I'm Home!

Public Service Announcement: Obsessions are never a good thing. Most especially, obsessions dealing with pecan pancakes. Whoever created pancakes should be shot. Or sainted. Maybe they could be shot and then sainted. Regardless, BabyDaddy has been making them for me. I think he's up to something. Your husband doesn't just make you pecan pancakes without an ulterior motive. *Sigh* I'll think about that later. Several of my most loyal darlings have ceaselessly emailed and Facebook messaged and plaintively texted about my relative blogging absence recently. Well, it's like this -- I've been feeling unwitty. As I've said before, I do hate to write when I'm feeling unwitty. There's nothing worse than a bloody bore. Although I'll have to say it's not for lack of material. Goodness knows I have more than plenty of that - the past few weeks have been absolute madness. Here are some of my favorite moments:


*Being the Toilet Paper Fairy (well, that might be a bit optimistic.)
Our kin from down south journeyed up to God's Country for a visit recently. Lord knows how she did it, but Mom actually got me to do chores. Like, manual labor. You know, the stuff that usually gives me hives. (Ya'll remember now, that my one true stroke of luck in life was marrying a man that is a cleaning machine.) So here I am, up much too early on the day that the cousins are to arrive, with Mom poking at my back and sending me through two houses with orders to make sure that no one would be stuck without a roll while in the facilities. I'm sure I looked like some kind of a bedraggled wreck - hair hanging in messy tendrils, smudged black rings outlining my squinty eyes; a full-to-brimming Ninja Turtles coffee mug clenched in one hand and a 24-pack of Charmin in the other. Some fairy I was. I should have had a sash and a tiara too....or a wand at least. I could have used the toilet plunger! Wouldn't that have been grand? Bother, I wish I'd have thought of it then....


*Sitting on the grass in the backyard and feeling the Muffin's pudgy little arm, sticky with lime Popsicle, sliding around my neck as he pronounces, "I wuv you 'da mos' Mamma. You're my best in 'da whole Earf." Then, he promptly states "I wanna pee in 'da grass pwease. Can you scoot over a widdle bit?" Ah, so much for savoring...


*Eating the very first of our very own summer-ripe tomatoes, right off the vine. There is nothing like tomato juice dribbling down your chin when no one is watching. I probably looked rather like a flesh-eating zombie, complete with glazed eyes and idiotic grin.

*Buying the $8 bag of Starbucks ground coffee at the Amish surplus store for $2.50. Oh yes, sweet victory! Happiness can be found in the bottom of a coffee cup. Now don't say I didn't ever give you any helpful advice.

*Working out, (and nearly passing out) with Jay. I swear, if I had just an ounce of the energy that she has in her swingy pony tail, maybe I wouldn't feel like hiding behind the pop machine every time we head in the general direction of the treadmills at the gym... Blast you skinny people! Couldn't you at least make it look hard? Thank God the last time we worked out together, the treadmill beside me was broken, so she had to work out in the row of machines in front of me. Every time she would turn around with a chipper, "How ya doing? Running hard?" I could crank up the speed dial and look like I was just pounding away, breathing hard, fists pumping, feet flying as I gulped out, "Oh yeah! This is great!" Then, when she turned back to the front, I could dial down to a more geriatric pace and gasp for breath like a dying fish flopping on a dock.

*Firefighter Campout/Cookout/Battle of the Rock Bands/Norm-a-palooza
I'll have to say this was the first year that I have made an appearance at this annual event, but I survived and had a good time. Ya'll know me, and the whole no bathroom, no cell phone service, sleeping-outside-with-the-wildlife isn't really my scene. But I must tell you that there was a Port-a-Potty, and it actually smelled nice! Is that possible? I've never come across a nice-smelling P-a-P in my life (ooohh, bad acronym, sorry girls), but this one I just about enjoyed using. A shout-out must be sent to Cass, who was absolutely delightful, 'Manda who introduced me to cherry coke and was the Diva-in-Residence at Rock Band, (yes, they had a large projection screen that they played video games on), and Kim, who was just funny as crap.

Well now, I must do something productive with the rest of my evening. I should go brush the coyote. Oh, you didn't know? BD has added to our little morbid zoo. Apparently, there's some sort of 'People-Who-Like-to-Stuff-Dead-Things' convention this weekend, which BD has been slaving away for. We now have a full-body mount coyote, snarling after two helpless little squirrels no less. I swear, just when I think it can't get any worse....