There are actually several miracles worth mentioning on this gray, drizzly, and altogether mood-dampening Monday. The first is that I’m still breathing. The second is that I haven’t (yet) inflicted any permanent damage and/or scarring upon myself or any of those unlucky souls who happen to find themselves around me. The third is that I still have fingernails. I was really pleasantly surprised about that last one; usually the fingernails are the first casualties of my high-drama-get-in-your-storm-shelter-and-cover-up-with-somethin’-sturdy mega-meltdowns. (God love it, I must be growing up!)
As you most certainly should be able to devise at this point, I did not have what one would refer to as a ‘great’ weekend. I would not even call it ‘pleasant’. In fact, it would probably be quite reasonable to get a bumper sticker made that proclaimed, “I SURVIVED THE WEEKEND OF 12/12/09”. Now just to be up front - from here on out, you will not find cheerful anecdotes, or optimism, or silver linings, or even a moral to the story. This is my pity-party, and I’ll cry if I bloody well want to. (And I do. OH, how I do.) It’s all down-hill from here lovelies, so don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Do you remember the story about King Midas, where everything he touched turned to gold? Wouldn’t that just be wonderful? Well, I have lived the Alice in Wonderland upside-down and through-the-looking-glass version of the story…everything I touched turned into a big, fat, elephantine pile of crap. That rotten apple of a vehicle that we JUST replaced the entire engine on -- yes, that’s the one -- exploded again. A.G.A.I.N. I opened the laptop on Saturday morning to find the ‘Black Screen of Doom’. (Again, we just replaced the hard-drive on that ridiculous excuse for a computer in August of this year. “Dude, you’re getting a Dell! I’m so sorry….”.) The DVD player in my car gave up the ghost, which is just akin to a nail in your coffin if you are going on a two-hour foray to God’s Country with a toddler. And because we had no DVD player, the best I could do was music from my iPod. When I attempted to unplug the iPod car dock from the cigarette lighter, half of it broke off. INSIDE the cigarette lighter! AND, I lost my voice. I know, right? Of all things, ME losing my VOICE. Someone call in the Calvary! I told my dear friend Jess that of course I was forced to listen to a ridiculous amount of snarking, “Blah, blah, MY! Isn’t it just too quiet? Blah, blah. I didn’t realize how QUIET it is! Blah, blah.” Jerks. I had been sounding a bit froggy since last Thursday, but Sunday morning when I woke up, there was literally nothing. Not even the tiniest of squeaks. Today, I related to several people that I feel like a scratched and skipping Barry White CD – you’ll get a few sensuous bass notes, and then just dead air. BabyDaddy of course finds this extremely entertaining and repeatedly asks me to emit such phrases as “ C’mon over heah baby, ‘dis Barry White speakin’…” Yeah, he’s a jerk too.
To be fair, I know I said no silver linings allowed, but there was one large upside to the whole nasty mess. My Grampa turned 80 on Saturday! We got the whole family together, and even though I’m sure I was less than cheerful company, we had a really good time. He even said in church on Sunday that it was “Probably the best birthday I ever had.” And for a man of few emotional words, that was a lot! The Muffin was on-hand to help him blow out his candles and we all had a good night of just being together. Sometimes that’s the best gift of all.
Oh – after church on Sunday, my family all went out to eat together at the neighborhood Chinese restaurant. Do you know what the fortune in my cookie said?
“Don’t Panic.”
Go freakin’ figure.
As you most certainly should be able to devise at this point, I did not have what one would refer to as a ‘great’ weekend. I would not even call it ‘pleasant’. In fact, it would probably be quite reasonable to get a bumper sticker made that proclaimed, “I SURVIVED THE WEEKEND OF 12/12/09”. Now just to be up front - from here on out, you will not find cheerful anecdotes, or optimism, or silver linings, or even a moral to the story. This is my pity-party, and I’ll cry if I bloody well want to. (And I do. OH, how I do.) It’s all down-hill from here lovelies, so don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Do you remember the story about King Midas, where everything he touched turned to gold? Wouldn’t that just be wonderful? Well, I have lived the Alice in Wonderland upside-down and through-the-looking-glass version of the story…everything I touched turned into a big, fat, elephantine pile of crap. That rotten apple of a vehicle that we JUST replaced the entire engine on -- yes, that’s the one -- exploded again. A.G.A.I.N. I opened the laptop on Saturday morning to find the ‘Black Screen of Doom’. (Again, we just replaced the hard-drive on that ridiculous excuse for a computer in August of this year. “Dude, you’re getting a Dell! I’m so sorry….”.) The DVD player in my car gave up the ghost, which is just akin to a nail in your coffin if you are going on a two-hour foray to God’s Country with a toddler. And because we had no DVD player, the best I could do was music from my iPod. When I attempted to unplug the iPod car dock from the cigarette lighter, half of it broke off. INSIDE the cigarette lighter! AND, I lost my voice. I know, right? Of all things, ME losing my VOICE. Someone call in the Calvary! I told my dear friend Jess that of course I was forced to listen to a ridiculous amount of snarking, “Blah, blah, MY! Isn’t it just too quiet? Blah, blah. I didn’t realize how QUIET it is! Blah, blah.” Jerks. I had been sounding a bit froggy since last Thursday, but Sunday morning when I woke up, there was literally nothing. Not even the tiniest of squeaks. Today, I related to several people that I feel like a scratched and skipping Barry White CD – you’ll get a few sensuous bass notes, and then just dead air. BabyDaddy of course finds this extremely entertaining and repeatedly asks me to emit such phrases as “ C’mon over heah baby, ‘dis Barry White speakin’…” Yeah, he’s a jerk too.
To be fair, I know I said no silver linings allowed, but there was one large upside to the whole nasty mess. My Grampa turned 80 on Saturday! We got the whole family together, and even though I’m sure I was less than cheerful company, we had a really good time. He even said in church on Sunday that it was “Probably the best birthday I ever had.” And for a man of few emotional words, that was a lot! The Muffin was on-hand to help him blow out his candles and we all had a good night of just being together. Sometimes that’s the best gift of all.
Oh – after church on Sunday, my family all went out to eat together at the neighborhood Chinese restaurant. Do you know what the fortune in my cookie said?
“Don’t Panic.”
Go freakin’ figure.
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