So I haven't been feeling inspired. Apparently, you need to feel inspired to blog - it's makes for better reading, I hear. However, I've been feeling kind of crappy lately, so I avoided it. Who wants to hear someone whine and complain anyway? And what self-respecting blogger wants to advertise her problems? Well, if you don't want to hear someone whine and complain and talk about non-fun, non-inspired things, you might as well just push your browser's back button and check the headlines on MSN.
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Still reading? Okay, here we go. But be aware that this isn't going to be pretty.
I want to find myself again. I think that somewhere in the mix of diapers, meatloaves, work, and dirty laundry, I have lost, at the risk of sounding like that God-awful Nick Lachey song, I have lost a piece of me. I used to be passionate. I used to be motivated. I used to be funny as crap. Now, I count the hours until I have to leave for work. I count the hours until I get to go home. I count the hours I have left until I collapse into sleep. In the midst of all that, I have to try to sandwich in all the things that really matter. Time with my son. Time with my husband. My real life. I'm tired. I feel like I'm washed up at the ripe old age of 25. My son deserves better. My husband deserves better. I deserve better. How did I get so drained?
I want to stay home. I want to spend every possible moment with my son.
I want a career. I spent years getting a degree that I loved. I want to do something with it.
There's no way to get it all right - either way you go, there are sacrifices to be made. Which choice is the right choice? I realize that I am regurgitating the inner argument of every mother since the dawn of time. But that sure as heck doesn't make it any easier when I'm the one having the argument. There's really no deciding. I love my family, but I also know that I am the type of person who needs to have a career. But, I think the key is for me to have a career that I am able to feel joy in. I think that just like a mate, everyone has a job (and I do consider being a stay at home mom a job, thank you very much, even if it isn't right for me,) that is completely perfect just for them, and I just don't think I've found mine yet. I do realize that I'm still quite young, and not many are lucky enough to find a great job this early in life, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try. One of these days, I will find it, and then life will be good. Oh, there will still be frustrations, bad days at work, but I will be able to justify going back every day, because I will enjoy it. In the mean time, I will continue to change the diapers, make the meatloaves, go to work, and wash the dirty laundry. I will snuggle my son, I will kiss my husband, and I will keep a good book on hand. And, I'll complain on my blog when I need to get the sillies out.
See? That wasn't so bad. You got to be my sympathetic ear, and I got to unload. We're all winners. :)
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It really has nothing to with family life or being motivated. I promise. You are still the same energetic funny person that everyone loves and cherishes. It just depends on what you are doing and who you are with. It is only that you do not like your job. I have been there, acutally more than once and I am still looking for that great and wonderful job that I don't look at Erik everytime and say " I really don't want to go to work today." Not liking your job has a major impact on your life in general, it brings a lot of down and makes you think about how long it will be before you have to go back instead of the things that matter and the time that you have to spend with those people that you care about. Make sure you cherish the time that you spend each day with your son and husband and count the time with them and not dwell on the time that you have to go back to work. Always count down the time to go home but never the time to come back. Don't talk about work when you get home if you can help it... oh and I know that one too... that is really hard. Try and leave it at work. If you have to call your husband or your friends five times in one day, then do it. I always feel better when I can talk to other people when I am at work than to sit and think about what I don't like. My logic is that you are never wasting your time if you are enjoying it. Maybe one day we will have those jobs and be wonderfully happy. But until then... think about what you do have and those people around you and not about the work waiting for you. It will eventually get done.
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