I just had my breakfast (mini Hershey’s dark chocolate bar and bad coffee), checked the happenings on People.com, and cleaned Red, my office fish. It’s Friday -- I’m ready to kick some arse and get the heck out of Dodge. I feel the need to give myself a pep talk because yesterday was “Feel-sorry-for-myself Thursday”, and I didn’t get much accomplished. Between the gorgeous sunshine mocking me through my office blinds, to the client who just felt like yelling, to my mother deciding to get herself admitted to the hospital. (No worries – she’s fine. Her blood pressure thought it would give her a run for her money, but she’s all better now.) In review, it wasn’t the best of days. So here I am, trying to be productive, (well, not really – I mean I am blogging aren’t I?) and waiting for my first appointment to show up in five minutes. I am going to get things done today! I will be productive! I AM A WINNER! (Don’t mock my mantras – you have to start somewhere…)

Hindsight is 20/20

So I just realized how freaking long my previous post was. Who's going to read that crap?! My sincerest apologies -- I realize now that it was a "stream of consciousness" venting post, and those are never the wisest of choices. I don't want to be a dirty deleter, so I'll leave it up. Peruse at your own risk. But from now on, no more long posts! (BabyDaddy came to take me to lunch today. His forgiveness is complete.) :)

Drinking Games.....

Yesterday was BabyDaddy’s 30th birthday. He is lucky I let him live to see it. Before you get worried, we’ve already made up. He performed the required groveling and “I’m not worthy of your love” apologies, and I saw fit to let him keep his manly parts. (For a time, I considered confiscating them.)

In accordance with the birthday milestone, his work buddies decided to have a little “get-together” in his honor this past Saturday evening. When I hear the word “get-together”, I think of a nice night hanging out with friends, enjoying a few beers or glasses of wine. In the minds of BD’s buddies, this term designates a, drink-til-you-puke-up-the-stale-nachos kind of event. Obviously, with this extreme difference of opinions, the night to follow was one that can be placed in the “times I’d rather forget” category, along with such other notables as “the night I got food-poisoning”, and “the day I got my wisdom teeth cut out”. Thankfully, my old-school bff Jessica made the trip up, and was there to keep me from beating BabyDaddy about the head with a wine bottle, (hey, it was the first thing I picked up). I’m still fuming a bit. Let me summarize:

The night actually started off on a good note. BabyDaddy, Jess, and I dropped the Muffin off at the Granny/Papaw residence and started on our way. When we arrived, there were a few people milling about – one couple even brought their 16 month old. They had food and were making some mixed drinks. The guys played a little Rock Band, and the girls chatted. I’m sitting on the couch having a conversation with a couple of friends, when a guy comes through shouting “Drinking games in the basement!”. I roll my eyes, and thought that the last time I heard anyone propose a drinking game, it was my sophomore year in college. Suffice it to say I didn’t think much would happen. Jess and I tooled around some more upstairs, and then made our way to the basement. Upon first entering the room, I saw some hussy alarmingly near my husband. (Picture with me: nasty, over-processed, split-end-heaven hair. Tanned-to-leather skin. Batting, mascara-clumped eyelashes. And an “It’s okay that I’m acting like a white-trash ho because I’m sloshed” attitude.) Oh yes. I watch in slow motion as she sidles up to MY MAN, says a few words with a flirty grin, grabs his cup, and starts guzzling. To his credit, he just gives her the drink, and tries to walk further into the room – of course she follows. At this point, I can feel the blood vessels in my eyeballs. I march over to BabyDaddy and Captain Hooker, and inject myself between them. I can see the whites of BD’s eyes, and I can almost hear him think, “Holy freaking crap.…” I say, “Oh! Excuse me – am I INTERRUPTING SOMETHING??!!” Leatherface takes one look at me, radiating pure, unabashed madness, and slinks away. Guess her trailer-trash animal instincts kicked in. Lucky girl. At this point, BabyDaddy has been carted over to the ping-pong table to play some drinking game that involved flipping cups, chugging alcohol, and other adolescent behaviors. About three rounds in, when BabyDaddy starts to wobble, I figure out that they are chugging not beer, as I thought, but Jim Beam and Crown Royal. Picturing my husband’s liver screaming for mercy, I stomp over to him, grab him by the arm, and march his butt to the truck. He proceeds to hang his head out of the open window, and barf his guts up all the way home. (and all the way down our new Trailblazer). We make a quick stop at the Granny/Papaw house to pick up the kiddo, and then head for home. Once there, I can’t get him out of the truck. As I yank and pull on his shirtsleeve, trying not to touch the puke, I hear him mutter something like, “just leave me out here…” and I think, “That’s the best idea I’ve heard all night!” So I do. (Unfortunately, his parents called me 15 minutes later asking if he was in the house okay, and when I told them no, they felt sorry for him and drove to my house in the middle of the night to drag his butt inside.) Needless to say, Sunday was spent begging my mercy and cleaning up vomit. Great way to spend a weekend. I told him he better have enjoyed himself, because he is never doing it again!

Staff Appreciation Day!!

I'm going to the races!!! Thank God my boss is a racing fan! Every year, we have our 'Staff Appreciation Day' at our local racing track. We get paid to gamble and drink beer -- AND it's Friday. Truly, how much better can it get?! (Now talk to me on Monday, and I bet I'll be singing a different tune...)

Regardless, today is not Monday, and in approximately 45 minutes I will be standing in the sunshine with my friends, holding my betting ticket in one hand, and something alcoholic and cold in the other. It's going to be a fine afternoon. :)

In other news, my gal pal Jess from the Country is coming up this weekend! She's hit a bit of a crappy streak for the last few weeks, and so we are going to have a much-deserved 'girls weekend'. Of course, I use that term quite loosely. Us 'girls' will also be joined by the Muffin and his snot faucet (it still hasn't turned off), and BabyDaddy. Nevertheless, we should have a good time together. I've rented 'The Brave One' with Jodi Foster. From the previews, I gather that it's about a really angry woman who goes on a violent shooting rampage. It's JUST what Jess needs. :)

La-la-la-la, The white-trash Country Reject is gone, La-la-la-la....

I woke up this morning at 7:15am. The problem with this is that I am supposed to leave my house at 7:15am. OF COURSE, today would be the day that I have an 8am appointment that I should have prepared for yesterday. OF COURSE today would be the day I was supposed to have my car at our local Toyota dealer because of some crazy recall on my door bolts. (Apparently, it has been recently discovered that the doors on my model just randomly open of their own accord – Great!) And OF COURSE, today would be the day that the VP big-wiggies from our Corporate Headquarters are here. If there is mercy in the universe, I will not run into one of them in the hallway. I have on some wrinkled pants I found in the dryer, and my shirt could certainly use a little de-linting. I have a crazed mess of a pimple on my chin, and my hair is greasy. All the ingredients I need for a fan-freakin-tastic day!

On a lighter note, there was defiantly some mercy in the universe last night! I had to suppress maniacal laughter when they announced that Kristy Lee Cook had been booted off Idol! THANK YOU AMERICA. It’s about darn time! I was trying to be as quiet as possible as I jumped up and down on our couch, when BabyDaddy looked at me and said, “Meg, you know I love you, but I really think you may have a bit of a problem…” Gotta love him.

The Muffin finally got some decent Z’s last night. I told a gal pal of mine yesterday that it was literally like someone turned on the snot faucet in the kid. And I mean, turned it on FULL BLAST. I didn’t know one person could have that much snot. Bless his ever-lovin’ heart. Thank goodness, the Dimetapp finally kicked in last night, and he got a little bit of rest.

I'm a ROCK STAR!

"......Cause I'm wanted, waaaannted, dead or aliiiiiiiive....." Oh, I am SUCH the next Bon Jovi! (That is, if you count the fact that I can only play a guitar if it has the little colored buttons, and if I have a screen in front of me telling me which of the colors to push...) BD and I went over to the Pepsi Crib this afternoon to visit the Family S. AS and I put the men to shame. We took turns rocking out the guitar and the drums, (the guitar is MUCH easier if you were wondering), and it was truly a fun way to spend the afternoon. AS, domestic goddess that she is, had made Rice Krispie treats before we arrived, so we snacked and played all afternoon. The kiddies were well-behaved, as always, and of course Princess Diva took grand care of the Muffin, as they took turns coloring and playing "push the dolly stroller", (much to the chagrin of BabyDaddy). I think the Muffin even got in a little Dora Kitchen time! (I MUST get him one of those, but if I ever did, I would have to hide it from BD or he would paint it black, have the Muffin serving Jack and Cokes, and make it a bar.)

Welcome to the fam!

Yesterday, the Baby-Daddy and I became the proud parents of a new TRAILBLAZER! We finally found something we could both agree on, and then we finally found a car salesman who would meet my crazy demands! (Not for lack of fighting however.) I've decided that BD and I are the best car-buying team in the history of the Universe.

We totally played on the 'good-cop/bad-com' bit, (I got the honor of being "the witch whom no one can please". BD had NO trouble making that believable...) and we got our truck! A few snippets from our very long, but profitable evening:

Car Salesman: I can get it down to $XXX. That's only
$50 away from what you wanted!

ME: Go fish. (This followed by a "You just can't do
anything with her" shrug from BabyDaddy)

***5 minutes later***

Car Salesman: All-righty folks, if you're willing to put
$500 down, I can't get your payments to $XXX. That's just $30 away!

Baby Daddy: That's a pretty good deal Meg. Whaddya
think?

ME: For that price, you can give me that Escalade out in
the lot. (Lot's of eye-rolling from BD.)

***Twenty Minutes Later***

Car Salesman: Whew! You sure drive a hard
bargain! Okay, I'll let you take it off the lot for $200 down, and your
payments would be $XXX. That's just $10 away from what you want.
That's like a Tombstone Pizza!

ME: Better your Tombstone than mine. I want it on
the road with nothing down, and I want you to take off the $10.

**An "Is this girl for real?!" look passes between BD and the
salesman**

***10 Minutes Later***

Car Salesman (sighing in exasperation): Final offer. Nothing
down, on the road for $XXX. That's five dollars more than what you
originally wanted.

ME: Guess you worked hard enough for those five dollars.
We'll take it. Where are the keys?

Now, the really hilarious thing, which my bff AS will be happy to corroborate, is that a freaking forty-year-old man going door-to-door pretending to be a girl-scout could easily sell me $150 in molded newspapers. No joke. So my performance at the car lot was indeed quite miraculous. As we pulled off the lot, and I snuggled down into the heated leather seats, (Never you mind that this is April, I LOVE those things!), the BabyDaddy flashed me his most pleased smile and said, "From now on, you handle the cars, and I'll handle the magazine salesmen". "All right," I said, and then we gave each other a high-five.

WTH?? Michael Johns gets kicked off?! Are you kidding?!

Are you kidding me? Kristy Lee Cook has made it through AGAIN??!!! Crap, she wasn't even in the bottom three!!! You've GOT to be kidding me!! Even Syeshia is safe! The freaking voters must have all been in the bathroom last night! (How's that for like thirty-seven exclamation points in three sentences?!) I'm a bit bothered by the choice, but only because Syeshia was supposed to go this week . Then, that ridiculous Kristy Lee, THEN Michael Johns. This totally blew my AI bracket!!!

On a lighter note. I wore a skirt to work today. As I walked out the door to get in my car this morning, the Baby-Daddy said, "Hey hun -- are those your legs, or are you ridin' a chicken?" (Yuk-yuk). What a ham. It was at that point that the day began to head alarmingly downhill. I felt terribly self-conscious all day. Is it totally necessary that I look like I've spent the last week frying myself silly in some little light booth? Of course, it didn't help matters when I glanced down and saw a patch of leg that I had COMPLETELY missed shaving this morning. Seriously. It looked like the leg of a fourth grade boy. All I could do was shake my head, and giggle uncontrollably every time I caught sight of it.

I got a new office area today. It honestly made me a little sad. I'm all by myself now, and it's too quiet! I'm going to try to find my radio in the garage later and take it in tomorrow. I miss my friends!!! (I know I'm a whiny-baby, but geez, give me a minute to wallow...)

Letter to my Muffin

You are fifteen months old today. This afternoon when I pulled in to pick you up after work, I could see your mile-wide toothy smile and your pudgy little arms waving from the end of the street. I could tell you were saying "Mommy! Mommy!" as you ran toward me. You threw your arms around my legs and laughed. You are such a beautiful boy!

We have to watch you constantly when we're out playing in the yard because of your crazy obsession with wheels. When you see a car drive down the street, you start to chase it like a rabid dog. We went to a car dealership the other day to look at getting something with more room for you and all your stuff. (You truly DO have that much stuff). The look you had on your face when you saw all those cars reminded me of the way I felt in the M&M Factory Store in New York, surrounded from floor to ceiling with chocolate. You were pumped! I could see all the car salesman laughing at me as they watched me chase you from one end of the lot to the other.

You love books. (You definitely get that from me, I'm proud to say!) We read about forty of them every night. You love to read Peter Rabbit and Winnie the Pooh stories. You can point out all of the characters when I ask you, and when you get it right, you clap your little hands like you've just won the lottery. I still rock you to sleep every night. That's my favorite time with you. We get Blue Bunny and your blanket, and snuggle up in the rocker. I watch your eyes flutter and finally close. Then you start to snore. (THAT, you get from your father.)

You are learning things so fast! You understand so much that I didn't realize. The other day, I was trying to find your shoes, and I noticed I hadn't heard you for a moment. I went in your room and found you on the floor, grunting as you tried to push your feet into your sneakers.

You are still in your 'picky-eater' phase. We have a revolving menu of Grilled Cheese sandwiches, pizza, chicken nuggets, and applesauce. Anything else that gets remotely close to your mouth is met with a shake of your head and a loud "uh-uh!" Not so much on trying new things. But, I'm sure you'll grow out of it. Maybe.

I'm so excited for warm weather. Your Daddy and I have our eyes on a totally cool Crab Sandbox, which I know we will all have a blast in. I can't wait for all the fun we're going to have!

Thoughts on Spring....

A few of my observations on Spring:
1) Bradford Pear Trees in bloom are really pretty, but they smell like dog doodie.
2) Now that it’s warming up, my car smells like the sippy cup of milk Bebe’ C. spilled last fall.
3) Flooding is not cool. Especially when I have to park in a smaller version of Lake Michigan and I get my pants wet walking into the building.
4) Umbrellas suck. I drove home with my most recent one sticking out of my car because I was so sick of trying to wrestle it inside, I just slammed it in the door.
5) I like to watch the foals playing in the fields on my way home from work. Then, when I think about me thinking about rolling fields and frolicking baby horses, I kind of want to throw up.
6) Short sleeves + my pasty arms = yuck
*Further: Cropped pants + my pasty legs = yuckier
7) I hate tanning beds because I don’t like getting sweaty, but I also hate being pasty. (and before you recommend it, I’m too lazy to slather on Jergens Daily Glow every morning. Plus, it makes my hands smell funny. Basically, I just like to complain about being pale and not really do anything about it.)
8) Copulating birds are really gross. Have you ever seen birds getting it on? Well, then, you can’t judge. We have this crazy pair of robins that are always on our front lawn, and you would think they are trying to populate the world. Ugh.

I've just finished my homework for the evening. It's a Conflict Resolution class. The really grand thing about it is that I work for the school --Several of my coworkers take classes, and a lot of the students know me already. So when the teacher asks us to detail a current work conflict, I have to try to make something up. If I didn't, everyone would know who I was talking about and I would be s-c-r-e-w-e-d. Talk about some water-cooler gossip. Someone would probably put rancid half-and-half in my coffee. So even though I have a thousand current conflicts I could use, I have to spend a crazy amount of time trying to think things up! Grrrrrr. At least I'm done for the night.

The Muffin and I were on the road today. My grandmother is in the hospital recovering from some weird something that I can't think of the name of. The good thing is, she should be able to go home tomorrow, barring all natural disasters. We spent a good deal of the day closed up in her hospital room. The Muffin. Me. Sick people. Tiny room. Need I say more? Honestly, he did surprisingly well, and my Mom was there to shepherd him out into the hallway to chase wheelchairs when he got too crazy. And boy, did he give some of those patients a run for their money! He also made a new friend in the janitor, who let him play briefly with the floor buffer. THAT was a good time... His favorite thing however, was pushing the call button for the nurses. After the 3, 446th time, the voice in the box said, "Awww, is this that sweet baby ag-aaain? Now ya'll just holler if ya need somethin' else..." No joke. We tried to hide the little remote control thing under the pillow, but the Muffin would sneak over in the corner and pull it out. By the time you figured out where he was and went around the bed to get him, he was already furiously clicking away and giggling. The good thing is that all this action tired him out pretty good, and so he slept all the way home. :)

Oh, oh, oOOOOOHHHH, oh! Oh, oh, ooooOOOohh!

For those of you that can't tell, the above musical stylings are from the age-old New Kids on The Block classic, "The Right Stuff". If you didn't know, (and if you truly didn't, scurry out from under that rock now), NKOTB has reunited! Aaaarrooooooh! (That was me howling.) They were on the Today Show yesterday for interviews, and their first live perfomace since '94 is going to be on the same show May 16th! Set your Tivo's my friends -- it's gonna be a banger! Can I just proudly admit that when they dropped the red curtain yesterday to reveal the suprise, (but not really because it was leaked on the Net), guests, my knees got shaky, and my head started spinning. Apparently, you never really do grow up. :) I felt the need to squall, "I love yoooooou Joey!!!!", in my most high-pitched annoying tone. It was be-U-ti-ful! Needless to say, I've already informed the Baby Daddy that I will be throwin' down his VISA when tickets go on sale anywhere within a day's drive, and he is NOT invited. (Even though he proved himself worthy of me last night by singing a lovely smattering of "Please Don't Go Girl"...) Sorry BD, you know I love ya though hon! (and don't even THINK about going on another moose hunt, or whatever the crap you're hunting these days, to pay me back, or I'll return from the concert with a NKOTB tatoo!)

Just another Manic Monday...Oh Wait -- is this Tuesday?

My Deli Selects Microwaveable Mini-sub just left a swath of barbecue sauce destruction down my left boob. Ugh. This is TOTALLY what I get for trying to eat in my cubicle. Today it's ugly and raining. I have a quarter of a tank of gas, and I have nowhere better to be, so I'm lunching solo in my cell. I figured, "Hey, what the heck -- I'll be tired later and won't want to blog...so no time like the present!" So here I am, greasy fingers and all. Oops. A crumb just got lodged between B and N. No wonder IT hates me so much. After I spilled coffee on Keyboard #3, they don't really seem to want to hang out with me anymore.



So the Muffin cried for me when I left him at the babysitter's. (Babysitter = Mother-in-law). It was a small victory for me, even if it was a bit painful. No sooner than "Mommy's going Bye-bye" left my lips, I found a quite stocky 15-month-old attached to my left ankle. "NONONONONOnononono!!!" (This of course accompanied by frenzied head-shaking.) I had a flashback to my first day of Kindergarten, when I myself was locked in this same position with my Mom. It's one of my very first memories. I remember thinking that the classroom smelled funny, not at all like home, and then I had the crazy roller-coaster-bottom-of-my-tummy-falling-out feeling. It was totally uncool. So I tried to empathize with my kiddo. I pried him away from my leg, tossed him in the general direction of the couch, and ran out the door. (Have you called Child Services yet? Are you crazy? I'M KIDDING!) Really, I almost started crying myself, (I'm such a sop), and it took me about ten minutes to convince the Muffin that Granny was going to give him a banana if he stayed. With that, he promptly toddled in the direction of the kitchen to wait patiently beneath the fruit bowl. Ah kids.



Well, the mini-sub has been eaten, and I left my novel in the car (which is parked in the crappy overflow lot across the street because I got here late), so I'm going to go and get it. By the way, I stayed up later than normal last night, (this being around 10:45pm -- gasp -- in order to finish Eleanor Rigby, by Douglas Coupland....I loved it in case you were wondering), and so now I'm sleepy. I may jaunt down to the corner coffee shop and grab a latte to shake things up a bit. Hopefully I'll still be awake in a few hours.